The Imaginary: 020

<2003-05-30~06-09~11~17>

The bear growls reaffirming the terrible beauty of his existence.

I squeeze her shoulder and hold back the scream.

“Don’t be afraid,” I whisper into her ear, drinking in the marvelous light of her wide open eyes. “This is an Encounter of Fate. It is happening because there’s no other way—because it must happen.”

Her body has started trembling uncontrollably, yet she nods bravely—and understandingly, her eyes say.

“Now we’ll play dead: remember how much we loved to do it when we were children?” I hold her tight as we slowly (gracefully!) sink to the ground.

>>> We are dancing around the pine, the bear and me. This way now! Now that way! Catch me, old fool! I’ll getcha!

“The mobile phone is in my side pocket. There’s also the Swedish Bitters and a hanky in the left pocket of the backpack. I only ask you”—the change in my voice makes her eyes as grave as mine have become—“not to blame yourself, no matter what happens. Please. Remember that what must happen will happen; and you must do only what you Wish to do. If blood happens, and you are afraid,” (she is … her entire body exclaims it) “don’t touch me. What you Choose to do will be the right thing to do.”

She gulps and whispers, “I Wish you to live ….”

“Then I will live.” I wink at her.

(She said “Wish”: I can’t mistake the Feeling.)

>>> The bear reaches to poke me in the tummy, but I parry, grab her paw, sweep the sky with her body and swing her over the horizon.

“And—” What better a moment for this? I’m beginning to see the Purpose of this Encounter … one of them, “remember also that death is not an end … a mere passage it is. I hope I shall be able—

(her body has stiffened)

—to remind you about it from the other side, if it comes to that.”

She has closed her eyes and a tear is burning its way across her cheekbone. I squeeze her gently and whisper, “Look into my eyes. There’s no fear, right?” She’s looking, she nods almost imperceptibly. “There’s only Joy. And,” with a meaning-laden pause, “I must admit—like I could, hee-hee, hide it anyway—the immense pleasure of feeling you from so close, of enjoying the warmth of your body, the delicacy of its curves and,” after another pause, “the richness of your blush.”

>>> The bear has pinned me to the ground and is stamping along my back. It’s the massage of a lifetime.

“… I like yours, too.”

We start chuckling in unison, and all is Well.

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The Imaginary: 054

<2004-02-08~11>

This time I’ll skip the gory details, straight to this instant that captures him wheezing and disjointed and pointing a pistol, and me reassuming my meditative attitude (I don’t want blood everywhere in case he hits me).

(Gory details, I must throw in, are very much against my nature.)

‘You’re making this way too rough,’ he pants out. ‘If I’d just gotten you the first time ….’

‘Meditation has its quirks,’ I beam at him. ‘Why do you want to kill me?’

* * *

‘You know very well why.’

Even if I had not recognized him, the dark intensity of his voice would have told me why. A friend of mine once said that hatred is the left hand of love; and so I have to look for the love that lurks behind the murderous impulse in this man, and bring it forward, in the hope of saving both of us.

He has gone on talking, and that’s already a beginning.

* * *

‘Oh, I just felt booored.’

So casual is his tone that I do not doubt his madness for an instant. This means the harming of one of us, sooner or later—and that leaves me but one choice: the choice I’ve made thirteen years ago.

‘You won’t find a cure here,’ I smilingly assure him and stop my heart.

(Over the years, I’ve come to embrace death, but I still don’t like physical pain.)

At the sight of my sagging head, his eyes widen, and his first shot goes terribly wide of the mark, puncturing one of the paintings on the wall. (I idly wonder if this would raise its price in the eyes of the collectors.) Then icy rage steadies his arm, and the next five shots find my body unerringly.

I can’t help laughing at his impotent ire when blood doesn’t spurt out but slowly trickles down from the wounds, almost coagulated already.

(Nor could I give up anglsan, the joy of inflicting spiritual pain, that holiest pain among pains. Meseems there’s enough sadism left in me for another coming back.)

I take another moment’s delight in his furious pummeling the lifeless face—ghee, there’s blood on his knuckles!—then turn my gaze towards the Universe.

                                            *      *              *
*                           *              *
*                         *        *
*                                                     *                            *

I start making a mental list of his assets. Honest; persevering and self-denying (even now, he doesn’t let the pain in his sprained joints dim his wits or undermine his determination); compassionate: he might have started with the gun, yet he chose a metal tube instead that would have knocked me off and spared me any pain ….

‘There are thousands of other ways to make money,’ I say. ‘Do you want me to find you a job?’

* * *

‘I want easy money.’

I play back the cold mockery of his words before responding, ‘I do not like your answer.’ I stare into the blackness of the barrel in cold anger. ‘I shall not trade this life for it.’

* * *

BANG! SLAM! Eeek!

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The Imaginary: 035

<2003-06-14~17~2005-11-28>

Horseman!
(Perhaps the Same but More Likely Another)

To Roger
and Maria Spirova
and, well, Manowar 😉

Knock! Knock! Knock!

The door opens. The shadows glide to and fro, stamping impatiently, promisingly, playfully, as the Horseman’s eyes bore a hole in the face of the man.

“You, fellow! Why don’t you ride but are sitting astride your soft sofa (haemorrhoidal sofa), fooling yourself with a war that you’ll neither partake of nor seek to prevent?”

“Though I may not budge a finger for it, it concerns me, Hooféd One. There are dollars at stake!”

The door closes. The door opens.

The shadows bulge their muscles, gracefully, potently, almost erotically, as the Horseman’s eyes search for the spark in the woman’s.

“You, lady! Why don’t you ride but remain in the sighs of others confined, within their feigned loves and unfelt passions?”

(Note how he spares her the crueler questions?)

“I’ve forgotten to ride, Graceful One. What if I fall, what if I break my neck? Who will take care of the young, of the house, of the order? There are ages for dreams, and there are ages for duties.”

(Note how aggrieved he becomes?)

The door closes. The door opens.

“You, lassie! Why—” (Why … look here now ….)

“I will ride, Horseman,” she says softly, and leaps onto him—the horseMan!—and they ride, past the ship on the hill, towards battles and dreams, and beyond.

Ride! RRRIDE!

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The Imaginary: 011

<2003-05-28>

“I have seen you as a Poet and I have seen you as a Warrior. How are you … as a man?”

“Untried.”

We laugh, she and I. Then, seriously, “Gentle ….”

Nay, that’s too serious; I’ve even lowered my eyes involuntarily. I raise them and add, with a smile, “So gentle, in fact, that you may hug me like a brother. And that may stop you from going further ….”

Now it’s her turn to practice eye-lowering.

“Like a brother ….”, almost inaudibly.

I hesitate for a moment, swaying to and fro—there’s still distance between us, she, and I; and even hugging unicorns cannot get rid of certain kinds of shyness, all at once. Then I cross the distance and hug her. Like a brother.

(Boy, wouldn’t she hate me for this, one day ….

… Hate me … will she?……………)

P.S. Of course, this goes nowhere near saying how I am as a man. 🙂

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Как се обръщат нещата…

Тази миниатюра – съзнателно или не – заляга в основата на „зелена?“-та приказка за Юнаци. Пораства ли Целителят междувременно?

Юна – определено. 🙂

Въображаемите: 042

<2003-08-05~12-22>

Отдръпвам длани от слепоочията ѝ. Очите ѝ се отварят и за миг продължаваме да се докосваме. Сетне свеждам своите; допирът се изгубва.

– Как… е?

– Много… по-добре. – Тя сподавя лека кашлица. – Благодаря ти…

Поставям пръст на устните ѝ и тя удържа останалите думи.

– Не говори. Затвори очи. Съхрани силите си.

– Виж…

Поглеждам. Затворила е очи, ала мога да усетя някаква несигурност зад клепките ѝ.

– Мога ли да те помоля за… помощ – дори повече помощ?

Кимвам. Тя го почувства и продължава.

– Така… отчаяно се нуждая от друго рамо в тази борба… Още един меч…

Сега почувства тъгата и гласът ѝ заглъхва.

– Аз съм Целител, Приятелко… Ти си Воин. Ръждив е мечът ми… Въпреки че – пороят на спомените разтърсва тялото ми; тя ме усеща, отново, и очите ѝ се отварят рязко, пламнали с трескав огън – понякога така мечтая да го излъскам – с кръв; да се сражавам за каузи справедливи и изгубени!… Ала…

Гласът ми заглъхва; очите ѝ се затварят; стисва ръката ми.

– … Знам. Съжалявам…

Понечвам да отговоря, но тя стисва по-силно и промълвява:

– Това е… твоят път… Той е… твой… – и още по-силно.

Усмихвам се, с тъга, която прелива в радост, надигам се от леглото, излизам: нежно, мълчаливо, леко.

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